It's my wedding after all!

…I have to have the last word!

Well wishers

Now, now the  it IS a wedding after all! So I have to have the usual in flow of well wishers calling me with.. well.. their wishes.  But one friend of my mother’s was entirely different. She called me over for dinner!

“Lets celebrate your good news over some rocking Dosa-sambar!” She said failing miserably at sounding even a second younger than her fifty five glorious years. I hate Dosas. But decided that Dosas would have to be my dinner, because a) My fiance/Boyfriend was out of town and I was really missing him, b) I did not want to spend the evening fending calls alternatively from my mother and this boisterous aunt explaining why I was not munching her ..Dosas and c) I really didnt feel up to ordering in/eat out/ cooking maggi.

She squeezed my face between her plentiful boobs, the minute I walked in. It was her excuse for a hug. Lesbian! Blame Vignesh for planting homosexual thoughts in my head. Anyway, I sat on the platform dangling my long legs and trying hard not to wrinkle my nose in disgust at the overpowering smell in the kitchen as she bustled around me,  chirping like an overfed penguin. Do penguins chirp? Who cares?

She lifted her long genetically inherited ugly nose and sniffed the air said, “A south Indian kitchen always smells so appetising no?”

South Indian kitchens might smell appetising, her’s smelt like stale left overs. I smiled.

“Have you decided on your venue yet?” She asked as she stirred something in a pot coated with yellow food from all sides. Was I really going to eat that atrocity?

“Ummm”  I said trying to focus on the conversation so I wouldnt think about the food I was going to stomach.  “I was thinking of something outdoors. Its a winter wedding you know!”

She smiled patiently at me.  “but of course! it’s a brilliant idea! Even Kamakshi’s daughter wanted an outdoor wedding. I told her Beta  baarish ka kya bahrosa? But no! She wouldnt listen to me! You know what happened?” She asked bobbing her head up and down.

I shrugged my shoulders. I did know Kamakshi auty’s daughter got married last year. I didnt know her wedding had a near disater.

“Why! It rained of course! Right during the Pheras! Imagine! I thought it was ill-omen and all that.”  She looked straight at me now and battered the Dosa dough mercilessly, "Like God had refused to grant the couple its blessings by sending His holy aide the Rain God to douse the moment.”  She touched her left cheek and then her right, thrice, rapidly, uttering,  ” Shiv, Shiv, Shiv” and then continued,  “But Kamakshi would hear none of it! After a bit the wedding proceeded as planned! Hu kya? Kuch Nahi! Its almost a year to that wedding and still no child!”

Silence as she beat the vessel with her spatula spattering drops of batter all over he apron and kitchen.

“You better have a mandap at your wedding!" she emphasised poiting the spatula in my direction. “but without God’s blessing na, nothing is possible. At Sarita’s daughter’s wedding one of the tendrils of the floral decor caught fire from the flames of the havan itself! Imagine!” She said staring at me once again eyes wide with horror. “And the entire mandap went up in flames!Look at that couple! Married for eighteen months without a child!”

Silence again as she loaded a greasy pan on the stove and lit it.

“Any plans for your wedding dress yet?”  She asked as she dribbled some water on the hot tawa and watched those bubbles sizzle.

“I dont know, the usual lehenga I think, ” I said in a perfectly non-commital tone, refusing to discuss any bit of my wedding with her.

“Oh! Dont buy lehenga form Shamuns!" She instructed, naming the only designer I really wanted to go to. “He stiched Anita’s daughter’s wedding lehenga and you know what happened?”  She asked bobbing her head again. By now I knew, I wasnt expected to reply. “She accidentally stepped on her Lehenga and the sequins got caught in her heel and the entire Lehenga ripped! Right before the wedding! Imagine!” She looked at me as she spread some Dosa batter on the tawa.

“It’s God’s will!” She continued eyeing the Dosa. “I tried telling Anita. But she wouldnt listen. Now look at that couple! Twenty months to the wedding and still no baby!”

She sighed heavily and waited for the Dosa to cook. “You should watch out for all these omens,” she instructed me, ” It’s God’s way of subtly telling you, that you are marrying the wrong guy!”

She tried to lift the dosa out, but it remained stuckk to the pan. Finally, she managed ot free it out of the pan in crumbling, burnt pieces. I wondered if it was God’s way of subtly telling me,  I was having dinner with the wrong lady?!!

She ene

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6 Comments»

  asmalltimegenius wrote @

lol… u are getting better at creating this stuff… awesomely written yet again!!

this promises to be one hell of a ride till the marriage 😀

  Prakhar wrote @

so how was it??..Dosa and rest of the dinner 🙂

  bride2bee wrote @

a small time genius – want to trade places?

Prakhar – you REALLY think I stayed to find out?

  Shanu wrote @

Lol! When will God devise a way of tellin her abt family planning?

  Meenakshi Nair wrote @

oh.. does God bestow all girls with aunts and family friends like these??? I seem to run into several of these types quite often nowadays… 🙂

  the creatist wrote @

lolz!! don’t we all know about such aunties?? hats off to you girl for having the guts to face her all alone – that too at her turf!


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