It's my wedding after all!

…I have to have the last word!

Archive for September, 2009

Lets talk about IT

You know what is worse than being caught by your mother-in-law, while you are making out? A ‘Bachelorette’ party comprising primarily of self-invited cousins, who want give you a ‘First night’ talk!

Yeah, yeah, yeah… IT happened to me!

We sprawled on my Bua’s rich beige carpet, clad in our ridiculous pyjamas (mine actually had  butterflies on it!) too drunk to care for the real world,  and still very very keen on finishing the endless supply of champagne and wine. I was feeling uncharacteristically thrilled at the thought of marriage and I just knew I had gulped one glass too much.

My cousins, to their credit had done nothing unexpected of them, this far . Oh Vani had invited this hot neighbor from her locality and insisted all of us try and undress him blindfolded, all the while giggling idiotically and insisting it was ‘Just a game!’. And surprisingly enough my eldest cousin Tara, who is a mother of two teenage sons, had him undressed in less than sixty seconds. Or maybe its not all that surprising, considering the experience she must have garnered in a house full of men.

But given the occasion, I had expected some embarrassing absurdities as such and was really really relieved that nothing terribly horrible had transpired. I was basking in the knowledge of the night securely winding to a close when Tara said, “Since I am the eldest and by that count..err.. umm.. ah the most experienced one too. I think I have to sit you down and talk to you about THE FIRST NIGHT.”

When nobody replied to her statement, I looked away from my glass and frowned at Tara. She was talking to me?

*gulp* about THE FIRST NIGHT??!!!

Oh horror!

“Oh dont worry so much,” Ayesha who had been married for six months now chirped in, “Its no biggie.”

“You would know!” Shalini said offended that someone should not think much of THE FIRST NIGHT. “You were hardly a virgin when you got married!”

How is one ever ‘hardly a virgin’? Either you are a virgin or you are not!

“THE FIRST NIGHT is very special,” Shalini insisted. “It is when you truly shed all your inhibitions and surrender completely to the one man who has the right to see you naked!”

“Brilliant!” Ayesha applauded sarcastically, “Now she really has nothing to fear, except, oh well except embarking on a new journey as a sex slave!”

Was it the wine?

“This is MY talk?” Tara reminded the room through gritted teeth. “THE FIRST NIGHT,” she said looking straight at me, “Can actually be quite scary!”

“Oh come on!” Ayesha groaned. A few other murmured and moaned.

“Excuse me?” Tara defended herself, “considering my first night was the first time I EVER saw a man naked…”

I did not want to imagine or think about Tara’s husband without his clothes!!! I took another strong swig of my wine and determinedly kept all unwanted thoughts at bay.

But I had to admit; Tara’s husband without clothes was a scary thought.

“I remember,” Vani giggled.

What? She remembered Tara’s husband without clothes?

Tara must’ve had the same thought for she was glowering at Vani. Vani did notice or care. “The first time I saw a man’s pinky,” A man’s pinkie??!! For crying out loud!!! “It was pretty gross. I remember thinking it looked like dried and shriveled Dates!”

Groan! Yuck!

Some laughter floated around. “I kept telling myself,” Chanda the romantic heroine confessed, “That a tiny something was going to come out from all those folds and go ‘boo!'”

“Oh something did come out of folds, didnt it,” Ayesha laughed wickedly.

I just kept drinking. I needed to pass out.

“The point though is not about what it looks like,” Tara reminded everybody, “we have to tell her about what it does!”

No!!! I pleaded silently. I KNEW what IT does. I did not need their thoughts and experience enriched narratives on the topic. I drank some more wine. I had to pass out any minute now. Please!!!

“Its painful at first,” Tara said reinforcing the convention, “but its ok later on!”

‘”Its more than ok!” Ayesha insisted. “Its absolutely fantastic!”

“Ayesha sometimes you talk like a sex crazy bitch!” Neela who had been quite for this long and who also was the only unmarried woman in the room, other than me, said with some sort of an wed wonder twinkling in her eye.

Ayesha shrugged but said nothing.

“Dont fill her head with stupid ideas,” Vani warned Ayesha.

I just drank some more.

” keep the room as dark as you can,” Tara offered helpfully. “That way you wont get put off by anything you see!”

” Does he turn you on?” Ayesha asked leaning towards me. I spluttered on my drink.

“Of course he does!” Vani looked at Ayesha warningly.

“Have you guys kissed yet?” Neela wanted to know.

“The tongue in cheek kiss?” Ayesha added helpfully.

“Nobody kisses tongue in cheek!” Tara said horrified.

“Just because you dont,” Ayesha replied, ” does not mean others dont like it!”

“You like it?” Vani asked mystified.

“Yes!” Ayesha confirmed.

“Will you show me?” Vani asked tentatively. My eyes widened horrified. Ayesha looked at Vani skeptically. She then shrugged and said, “Why not?”

Thankfully I passed out!!!!


What fun?!

So the wedding’s getting closer and my silences are stretching making me acutely aware of how the bride me is going to be oh-so-different from the me me. Confusing? Yeah I thought as much.

Anyway so here’s what get’s me typing on this sticky keyboard again. Sticky because last night I was on the phone or so long that I practically lived in my front of my laptop. Parallel entertainment.

“Isnt that sweet of them?” my mother crooned for the third time.

“hmmm,” I replied absentmindedly as I answered one more email

“They did not even attend Natasha’s wedding!” She exclaimed with awe. Natasha, my first cousin who got married a little earlier? Everybody was supposed to or was expected to attend her wedding. wealthy families throw weddings to remember, or so the crowd seems to think.

“So why are they coming to mine?” I asked, not sure of who the ‘they’ were myself.

“I dont know,” my mother said thoughtfully. At least I could give her brownie points for honesty. “Maybe because its so long since they have met the rest of the extended family. You know they have been in London for like ever!”

Ah great! At least it was clear they were not attending the wedding for anything or any reason to do with me.

“So what’s the total count now?” I asked.

“About five hundred.”

“Five hundred!” I jumped, spilling some of the coffee on the keyboard. I winced. “Mom this is supposed to be a small wedding,” I  informed her exasperatedly dabbing a tissue on my ruined keyboard.

“How am I supposed to help it, if people want to come!” she said defensively. “Besides five hundred is an OK number for an Indian wedding!”

I said nothing.

“You are quite ungrateful you know,” she said after a mini pause.

“What?” I screamed flabbergasted.

“You should feel flattered that people are lining up for your wedding!” she  explained. “They did not attend any of the three weddings before yours, but they are all coming to your wedding! Does that not make you feel special?”

“I dont even know these people!” I said frustrated. “I havent met them in years and years. I dont have any feelings for them!”

“Dont say that!” my mom reprimanded aghast. “They are family!”

I sighed, “alright, maybe I am just not a people’s person.”

“As a kid, you loved having people around,” my mother replied, ” and you know its going to be fun meeting all those people after all this time. I wonder if Sheila has put on weight after her second kid…”

Big B: Wassup?

Big B is a nickname for my elder sister who assumes the dual role of an elder brother.

Me: Mom on call 😛

Big B: How boring! Do something better with your life than take calls from mom all day

Me: thanks

Big B: pleasure 🙂


“…and did you know that Kritika’s husband might be gay!” Mom was still on with her monologues and I was mumbling my appropriate responses at appropriate intervals. Kritika’s  husband might be gay since the past ten years that they were married.

Big B: btw, do you know who’s coming to your wedding?

Me: some godforsaken long lost uncle and family from london?

Big B: Dont be silly! Chirag is coming to India to attend your wedding!

Me: I think the last time I met Chirag was like five years ago and the last time he called was to wish Dad a happy birthday!

Big B: I know! He hasnt come to India in seven years, but he is coming to your wedding!

Me: That’s good?

Big B: Of course it is! he is a great guy! We catch up almost every weekend you know. I am mighty pleased he is coming to the wedding.

Me:  He didnt make it to your wedding, did he?

Big B: Nope. Some visa issues and stuff.

Me: oh!

Big B: we think we might fly in together. He’s getting his wife and kid along and they have never come to India!!

Me: oh!

Big B: What’s with the monologue?

Me: no was just wondering, how come so many people I hardly know are all excited about attending my wedding!

Big B: Spoil Sport! Chirag is fun!

Me: mom thinks this uncle from London rocks!

Big B: Bull!

Me: hmmm

Big B: What’s with you?

Me: I think I am not a very people’s person…

Big B: Shut up! Just go with the flow and have fun!! its gonna be awesome.. I am so excited about your wedding!