It's my wedding after all!

…I have to have the last word!

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Mother and Mother-in-law

Where was I yesterday, you ask?

Dude, read the title again!!!!!

Need I say more?? Oh yes…

I hope neither my mom nor to be mother-in-law, EVER read this!!!

(probability is anyway zero to nil as neither of them are net Savvy, SO for the moment I am safe! phew!)

Now as to what happened yesterday. Mother-in-law calls me to tell me, she is in town (ever since I’ve declared I am getting married, people somehow jus manage to BE IN TOWN). Well and naturally since we have just initiated our process of bonding, mother-in-law wants to strengthen the foundation by spending a couple of heart-to-heart hours… at MY place!

So I actually risk my client’s wrath, my bosses wrath and absolutely everybody related to work’s wrath, cut short my working day and rush home. No, no, mother-in-law was coming only for dinner, but I had to make the house look  presentable!

So there I am in my washed out Levis and (sigh) Benetton aquamarine top, rushing round hiding booze bottles and dumping photographs far out of ‘a couple of hours’ reach. I did not want her picking through my past personal life for excuses to call off the wedding. I was not sure whether she was capable of such acts, but was being safe anyway.

And mom calls up and I tell her mom-in-law is coming and she asks me “Why?”

“Because…” I said juggling the washed glasses and struggling to arrange them in an appealing display, “She is in town!”

Mom launched into her expected speech of things I ought not to discuss with my mother-in-law. Right, as if I was about to discuss my monthly cycles and family planning concepts with her!

She was in the midst of telling me, how I MUST NOT give my EXPERT opinion on handy-tips in the kitchen, when I screamed, “OH SHIT!”

“Oh no!” my  mom exclaimed as if she knew the exact reason which had elicited this reaction from me.

“What happened?” I asked curious.

“Something bad, evidently and imagine that too just on the day you saasu ma has to arrive!”

SAASU MA!!!?? This was my first insightful glimpse into the future. I hadnt progressed beyond calling my mother-in-law “aunty-ji”. Would I now suddenly have to shift gears to maaji, mummyji or saasu ma?

“Sorry? What was that again?” I asked mom in a semi-dazed state of mind.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, referring to my exclamation of near doom.

“Oh Shit!” I exclaimed once again as I was called back to the now and present. “The lights just went out on me! So I am essentially stuck with reading order-in menus by the candle!”

“What?” mom exclaimed horrified! God bless moms. There is nothing like a sympathetic shoulder. “You wont cook for her yourself?”

“You out of your mind?” I exclaimed shocked at what was expected of me.

“I am sure she is coming to sample what her son is getting into!” Mom said amazed at how thick-headed I can be at times.

“What bull? What next? She’ll sleep with me to check if I am good enough in bed for her son?” I said forgetting for a moment that I was talking to my mother.

“You do NOT talk to me like that!” pause. “Oh my God! And you NEVER talk to your saasu ma like that? You hear me?”

“Loud and clear,” I mumbled.

Was I really expected to cook and be the ideal Bahu?? I’d rather be dead.

“And for heaven’s sake, ” mom was saying, “wear a saree!”

“What?” I asked horrified.

I cannot carry sarees. I am sure to trip on it, rip it, let it come apart and thoroughly embarrass myself. Besides, I was not going to dress up like a doll, just because!

I hurriedly hung up on mom. Mother-in-law was due in an hour and I did want to look presentable. I settled for a Slawar Khameez.

Mother-in-law walks in two hours later. She gave me an entire hour, to first build up my anger and then sweat it out. There were still no lights.

I tried coaxing her twice in between to dine out. It would be rather uncomfortable to dine in the heat. She refused politely both the times. When I tried for a third time, she said, “Is there something or someone at home you DONT want me to see?”

She laughed quite a humorless laugh after that. I resigned to a dinner without lights.

“Salwar Khameez?!” she smiled at me the minute she walked in. “Is that for my benefit?”

What was I supposed to say?

I smiled.

We sat for a bit just doing the necessary chit chat. I got up to fetch her some water.

Quite forgetting all about the dupatta, I stepped on it and almost choked myself. The phone slipped out of my hands and cluttered to the floor. Mom had chosen that minute to call me and the fall had put the phone on loudspeaker.

“Are you a virgin?” blared my mom’s voice in the candle-lit darkness at my mother-in-law.

“I was just asking,” mom continued as usual not waiting for my response, “That way your saasu ma wont have to sleep with you to find out if you are good enough for her son.. hahaha..”


cough, cough, ahem!

So, there I am fuming over Natasha’s duplicity and wondering if life will ever progress beyond vile gossip for her, when the phone rings once again! Since its an unknown caller I almost dont answer it. Almost. Then I do!

“hello?” I said in a voice gruff with abandoned emotions

“Is this a wrong time to call?” he asked.

“Depends on who is calling!” I replied.

“Oh! Of course you wouldnt recognise me after all this time! Its me Vignesh! Naina mausi’s, husband’s, brother’s, wife’s, second cousin’s younger son?” He reminded me.

All this time? When had I ever met him? And heck! I still couldn’t place him. So true to my nature I remained quite.

“We met at Parangana’s wedding?” he hesitated.

“Who Paranagana?” I asked completely baffled now. “Dude, if you are chatting up a wrong number, you’ve picked the wrong woman!” I was annoyed. Really annoyed.

“Wait! Parangana? Naina Maasi’s, husband’s…”

“Wohohoho!” I interrupted him before he charted out a new family tree for me. “It Naina Bua for me. And since that’s absolutely the only name I recognise, I am still on this line with you. Come to the point.”

I knew I was being rude. But I sure as hell did not know this bloke, who did speak decent english, but sucked at breaking ice.

“I was in town. Naina maasi had given me a packet to give to you that’s all,” he said on such a heartbroken whisper, that it was a miracle that I didnt burst out laughing.

“See? it was easy as that!” I said in a semi-conciliatory tone. “Now, when do you get free?”

“I am free now,” he said still in that heartbroken tone.

“Great! Write my address down and we can do lunch together! Sounds good?” I asked.

“Yes! yes!” he yelped like an eager puppy.

Precisely an hour later, I opened my door to a rather handsome, twenty-something, charming gentleman. Over ordered-in lunch I learnt that Vignesh was actually a geek and was in town for some hush-hush top-secret business, he refused to talk about. He was totally intrigued with me and my independent lifestyle and kept bombarding me with hilarious questions like, ” So you drink daroo?”

He was such an entertaining break after screechy Natasha, that I was quite enjoying myself. I offered him some wine and he sheepishly accepted. His eyes were aglow with the excitement of doing something wicked. I almost rolled my eyes.

A couple of glasses down, he asked me, “Wont your fiance mind this?”

“Mind what?” I asked my wine-fuzzed mind not quite comprehending his question.

“You entertaining another male when you are all alone at home?” He said staring deep into his wine glass.

I spluttered on my wine, but refrained from laughing. “No,” I answered as sober-faced as I could, “he will understand that you are a distant cousin of mine and that I am safe with relatives.”

He smiled, content with this explanation. “Besides,” I added,” If you hang around long enough, you might just meet him!”

His eyes widened in horror. “he comes to meet you when you are alone?”

I looked at him with a dead pan expression. Was this dude for real? Was I hallucinating ? Maybe I had a couple of drinks to many. He smiled at me and then looked back deep into his wine glass.

“Can I ask you something? And you wont get mad at me?” He asked. I just remained quite. I had no idea what was playing on his mind.

“Have you been deflowered yet?”

“What?” I asked genuinely confused.

“No! No!” he screamed jumping to his feet. “You dont have to answer if you dont want to. I know I crossed my line there. Its just that I was curious you see. I have never met a woman quite like you before. So bold and so strong. Almost like a man!”

Anybody interested in a GAY marriage?

At the beginning with you…

Yesssssssssss!! So I AM getting married!!

I EVEN have a date in hand. I should just figure out how I can get a counter in place here and let the countdown begin!!

Thank you, beforehand, cause I know each and every one of you is going to congratulate me on this move of mine. To my face at least. Am sure some of you will sigh in pity and smirk with the knowlege of what might come. But thanks for pretending anyway!

The first person I have to call, is this long lost cousin of mine. why?

Well besides the fact that she is a mother of  (I grudgingly admit – an adorable) one year old, for the past couple of years she has been disturbing my peaceful weekends with neverending tales of her firts, marital bliss and then her happy motherhood.

So I am going to make that one call and tell her that ‘yay! from now on its my turn to do all the blabbering, for lets face it, your tales are a lil old now.”

Did I mention that she was also a couple of years younger to me?

And then I am going to ‘actually’ answer all those calls from those really nosey aunts and tell them “Yes! I am getting married!:

“You kept him (meaning my boyfriend/fiance) such a well kept secret!” they will say as if  I was insane enough to let them interact with HIM. He would be the first one to cancel our wedding, if he had ever interacted with those insane fifty-something, i-am-oh-so-young aunt’s of mine!

And then I am going to make myself a nice cup of coffee and revel in my new status of the bride-to-be!!

Yay! Marital World .. here I come!!!